"Papa can you hear me?"

Tomorrow a third memorial will be performed for my Dad and I am not going. I mean no disrespect to him. I just wish to mourn alone. I wish to mourn with my siblings. For a man who was so sweet and gentle, I am saddened by the upheaval that occurred after his passing. Yet, I don't know how to fix it. I don't think I can fix it.

The first memorial was at my house and we lit a candle for him. I have that candle now on a table with some other items of his. Things that were special to him; Dogbert, Linus, a replica antique radio, a slide ruler, a couple of pictures of him. I will light the candle on August 1st, the anniversary of his leaving us. I don't think he wanted to leave, but his body could not hold up to all the damage that was done. I wonder what he was thinking about at the end. It was hard to tell. He was fighting the effects of sepsis and would talk about flying. It almost seemed like he was dreaming and could not distinguish that from reality. I guess that could be an okay way to go. In a dream like state..... as long as he didn't feel the pain that he must have had in his body.

When it became a reality that he could not stay, we said our goodbyes. He was unresponsive at that point and on a respirator. I think back on that and I believe that what I said was sorely lacking. I didn't know how to put into words what I felt and I stumbled. Could he really hear me at that point? I almost hope that he didn't. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it could have had more meaning. Perhaps I was in denial. Perhaps deep down I believed he wasn't there anymore. I remember holding the phone up to his ear so my sister could talk to him. I am sure what she said was beautiful; they had a special bond. I didn't listen in, that would have been rude.

Before he was put on the respirator, in a moment of lucidity, he asked me in a weak voice to rub his head. I hope it soothed him and brought him comfort. I like to remember that more than what I said.

Papa, can you hear me? I love you, miss you. I cherish you for your quiet caring and your silly humor. Without you, my life would have been lacking. I will see you again and give you a big hug.


If you are interested, you can go to my page on myspace and on my only blog post there, click on the link to the video I made of my Dad. There is a more in depth description of the video on the blog. I apologize for the quality of the video. It wasn't great to begin with, but after I uploaded it, the quality was worse.

www.myspace.com/phaedra169

"Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me"

I had a dream last night which I totally blame on my brother and sister-in-law. (Really, I say that tongue and cheek.) They had some questions that brought up issues that I'd rather not think about. 

My dream: I was having dinner in a nice restaurant with a couple of friends. In my dream I saw myself from over my shoulder and not through my eyes. I had an omniscient point of view. 

Then the point of view switches to my eyes, then out of the right corner I can see my step mother coming into the dining area with a bunch of people. I never really register who these people are. They are friends or her family..... it doesn't really matter. 

She does not pass by me, instead she stops and tries to yank her large red winter coat from underneath me. For some reason it was on my chair and I was sitting on it. She pulls with all her might as I make a concerted effort to place all my weight on the coat. After some more tugging on her part, I quickly release my weight from the coat. She goes flying backward and slams against the floor. I watch as she goes down. Not in slow motion, but not missing a nuance either. Her body seems to slide far away and get smaller, but I know she hasn't gone that far. It's an optical illusion. 

The dream went on, but I really don't remember the details. I think I looked over at her and her party ...... which was at the next table of course. But the excitement was really over. 

I can't stop saying goodbye

Here is a letter I wish to send to my Uncle regarding the memorial for my father this July 29th. I won't send it in its entirety, as that would further escalate a bad situation. 

I am anguished about how things have turned out. I deal with drama instead of mourning the loss of my father. And it has made me exhausted. 

I am not after anything except respect and I know I will not get it. We, his children, don't matter..... that is the feeling that I am left with, regardless of what others say. These are my feelings and you can't change them. 

On to the letter, Sorry for the vague post. Email me if you have questions. 

"I am glad that my father's and grandparents' ashes will have a final resting place.

I will not be able to attend the memorial on July 29th. As always, I will be thinking of my father and sending him my love.

I am not financially able to purchase the Harbor Beach property. 

Our lives have been punctuated by the mundane terms and conditions of verbal agreements. We have been reduced to detachment and legalese. Where do I put my pain; the reminder of what is lost. It's not here in the dirt, it's within me. And I can not share it.

Take stock of all that you have lost. Not just a friend but an ally. Connections severely broken, over what?  Possessions, entitlement and pride. Such a sad waste of energy. I will not remember him within this acerbic atmosphere." 

The last two paragraphs were not in my final email.

What Dreams My Come

Last night I had a dream. It was a variation on dreams that I have had in the past. 

I am in college and for some reason in these dreams I have become a supreme screw up. It is the end of the semester and I have a couple of classes that I never go to. Why? Lazy, I guess and they are usually early morning math classes. My least favorite subject. I start to stress out. Wondering how I'm going to pass when I haven't even been to class in a month. Won't I just fail out right due to the lack of attendance? 

I try to make it to one of the last scheduled classes, but I can't remember where it's held. This is when the building is reminiscent of a high school rather than a university. So the first couple of classes of the day I miss because I can't find them. I'm screwed. I'm going to flunk out. I am stressed and anxious, in a freaking dream. 

In real life, for the most part, I have always been a very punctual person. But there was a time in high school when my first class of the day was Algebra. I was constantly late for this class. I had trouble getting up in the morning. I wouldn't be late by much, but my teacher was a stickler. I ended up with many detentions that year. 

When I had the class I did very well, I got A's I believe. But as soon as the class/test was over I forgot everything. Numbers and formulas and such will/would not stay in my head. 

In my third year of Marygrove College, I screwed up too. I was going through some teenage angst (even though I wasn't really a teenager any more) and I stopped going to one of my classes. I never had the work done. I should have dropped the class and not screwed up my GPA. But I didn't ...... that was really dumb.

So why all the stress now about it. I don't know. I could consult my interpreting dreams for dummies. The other recurring dream I have at times is about being in a play and not knowing any of my lines. Either I am just an understudy who has to go on last minute or am surprised that I am in a play at all and have to go on last minute. There was one dream where I went around asking everyone involved with the play to use their script (as if I could memorize the whole play in a half an hour). Nobody would give me one. 

Sometimes I am in the play and have just failed to learn my lines. Or I have studied them but remember them in the wrong order..... And on and on and on. 

I usually wake up before I have to get on stage. But once I think I didn't. I said everything wrong and then had a sword fight. I think it was a Shakespeare play. 

Yeah, that's weird. I hope to share with you weirder ones in the future. And don't forget:  remember your lines and study your Math. 

To sleep, perchance to dream......

It's been a few months since I remember what I dreamed. I have a couple of notebooks of strange dreams that I have had in the last year...... but lately there has been nothing I can remember. I am the type of person who has to write down their dreams immediately or I forget them. So not being diligent about this process is also a factor.

Another factor is that I am not sleeping well at all. I always had sleep issues but this is a whole different ball game. My sister told me that I had a problem over memorial weekend....... otherwise, I would not have known, I live alone. She said it sounded like sleep apnea. Maybe that's why I have been so fricking exhausted.

I had my first sleep study last night. I wasn't as freaky as I thought it would be. Yet, I did have a feeling of dread on the onset because of the hospital feel of the center. I spent a lot of time at the hospital last year when my father was ill. (More on that another day, it deserves it's own post). I'm a world class worrier. I thought; "what if I can't fall asleep?" "What if I say something really stupid in my sleep?" What if nothing happens at all, this will be for naught and I will still be fatigued with no answers?" These thoughts strangely didn't help me to get to sleep. It took me about 2 hours. This was after I relaxed in the room by reading for an hour and a half and the half hour it took to hook me up with all the electrodes. I looked like a character from Star Trek. Kind like a Romulan (I can't spell it!). But instead of bumps, there's electrodes. The last picture in the row below was either taken by me in my sleep or the technician when he moved it...... I don't know.



Sy, the guy who hooked me up, was really nice. He had a heavy accent so sometimes we did not understand each other, but we got through it fine. The other guy there, I didn't catch his name, surprised me when he woke me up. Like usual it didn't feel like I slept much at all. I didn't mean to grill him, but at one point when he was unhooking me, he said, "Stop trying to trip me up." Not in a mean way. I understand though, the technicians aren't supposed to give you a diagnosis. All he told me was that I sleep better on my right side (something about not having weight on the heart (that doesn't sound good) and that I did have trouble breathing). I am to contact the doctor in 7 working days and I have another appointment in a week and a half. So now I wait, try to sleep on my right side and try and not fall asleep at work.

But tonight my original sleeping problem is kicking in; insomnia. After fighting sleep all day, now that I am home, can I sleep? Hell no.

Working For the Man.....

".... Working for the man every night and day...." Proud Mary. Preferably by Tina Turner. I am such a child of the eighties.

Yes, i am so very tired of working for the man. And if I thought I could do it, I would work only for myself. But you see I am not a business minded person. Unless you can afford someone to take on the business side of things, that is left up to you. I am not afraid of hard work...... I just need to make a living with the opportunities given me. The fact that I am in Michigan during a suck ass economy does not help. (Yes, I have thought of moving. And I might do just that). But for now, I am still in Michigan doing something that is related to the auto industry, so you know how dire that is now.

Well, I am getting a head of myself..... This is my rant about "the man." It's a necessary evil for most of us to work for someone else who does not have our best interests at heart. Gone are the days of being welcomed in to a corporate family (if there ever were days like that), but gone are the days where one had stability in their job. They would expect to work there for years and become eligible for a pension. Pensions are things of the past. Now, I can live without them. Hell, I have never been in a position that offered them; what I never had, I can not miss. But what really irks me is the assumption by the powers that be in most corporations that we are just a lot of expendable crew members; cattle that can be easily exterminated (terminated) without a second thought about it. People who do the grunt work to make the millions of dollars for the man are seen as irrelevant.

My former boss, who left the company due to the relentless office politics and infighting, told me that the powers that be or "the man" as I like to call them; didn't believe in giving raises to underlings because 'the market is so bad in Michigan that they won't be able to find another job. They aren't going to leave because they have no where else to go.' Lovely, I say. I work my ass off so the man can buy a freaking jet (True story!), that's why I am unimportant to him and can't be paid what I am worth.

Red hot pokers were coming out of my eyes when I heard that. It's what I suspected, but never had any proof, I understand that i don't have solid proof now...... but I am willing to entertain the possibility that it's true.

Please before you want to flame me or something let me clarify my situation. I don't make a lot of money. I am NOT greedy. But I know that people doing the same job as me make more. But also, it's not just about money. It's the way in which employees are treated nowadays that gets me down. How one is teated is not with respect. People are let go with weak excuses and treated like criminals while they pack up their stuff. If you are not there when the person is escorted out you might not ever be told of their departure. Meanwhile, the employees who produce nothing are kept on and given bonuses. "The man" is so far removed from the essential workings of his own company that he has no idea about who is actually contributing.

I could go on and on, but I won't. Those who have actually read this far will sigh in relief. Be assured that I am not someone who just bitches and does nothing about it. I am actively looking for another place of employment. I am actively looking for another place to live. But I worry that I will only trade one "man" for another. I am not sexist..... "the man" could be a woman too. :-)

I promise lighter posts in the future.