Smoke 'em If You Got 'em

And I don't got 'em. But there have been moments of course, when I wanted one. It does go away. I have not enjoyed the benefits of quitting as of yet. I was sick for close to 3 weeks. My throat swelled up, damn I wish I had my tonsils out when I was younger.

And all the money I am supposedly saving, is non-existent. Well okay, the surprise bills didn't help (It was so nice to get a medical bill 2 years after I had the procedures done) and the little bit of retail therapy wasn't good either.

Okay..... enough of the bitching post.

"It's not a habit, it's cool....

I feel alive
If you don't have it
you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)"

Actually, I don't feel fine. I'm tired. I'm so freaking tired of reading about cigarettes and how someone who is addicted in turn regards them..... considers them friends or other such nonsense. I look at them more like a safety net.... but I hate that also. I realize how ridiculous that is. But I can't escape the fact that I associate myself with smoking first and foremost. I am weary of that identity. I can just image how everybody else sees me. Just the same or worse I am afraid.


I can breathe (for the most part)..... so what now? I'm really tired and want to sleep. All this amazing energy I am supposed to have eludes me. I am more exhausted then ever.

Pride (In The Name Of Love)

This is Pride Month for the LGBT community and in cities across the nation and the world queer people will get together and have parades and/or parties. It's all in commemoration of the Stonewall Riots that occurred in New York at the Stonewall Inn. The Stonewall Inn was raided by the police on June 28th 1969. Raids on gay bars were a common occurrence, in which the bar and it's patrons had developed a protocol for. Yet on that day the patrons had had enough of the harassment. It was mostly the Black and Latino drag queens who fought back, throwing what ever they could at the police. The riots went on for several days.

The Stonewall Riots were not the first act in the fight for gay rights and I don't mean to belittle organizations such as the Mattachine Society, Student Homophile League, and Daughters of Bilitis. But it's the Stonewall Riots that gather attention. The society as a whole is more likely to have heard of the Riots than the Mattachine Society.

Enough of the truncated history lesson.... on to the actual story. I went to our local Pride celebration this past Sunday as I have for many years. This time, I concentrated on the company of my friends instead of the blatant marketing that goes on at any event. It was a refreshing change. In the past I would have visited every vendor and, more likely than not, bought things I didn't need. No doubt, in these rough economic times, its important to support one's community. And I do that as much as I possibly can. Also, I don't think that the drags queens back in 1969 were fighting for my right to buy incense from a street vendor... (who maybe an opportunist looking to make some money off the gay community, you never know). Pride should be about coming together and being ourselves without the threat of violence and ridicule; to be safe.

The day was safe and pleasant. I didn't notice any planes flying overhead this year with erroneous web sites seeking to fix us. I didn't see any protesters lurking on the outskirts. Yet there was one moment that was perhaps even more insidious. Because it lurks in all of our communities.

First some back story: One of my neighbors moved away recently. A gay woman. I didn't know her that well, but she seemed really nice. Friends of mine who live a couple doors down from her, talked to her often and told me that she was Canadian and was here illegally. I thought it was too bad that she left.... she had been living there for years. I heard that she went to live with her daughter in Novi. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

So, when I saw her at Pride, I said hi and that was sorry to see her leave the neighborhood. She had heard about the trouble at my house (see my 2 previous posts) and she felt bad for me. The next words out of her mouth made me hope I was truly going deaf.... because I couldn't have heard right. She said, "yeah, I heard that ni**ers moved in." (HOMO SAY WHAT?) You're kidding me right. Am I on candid camera or something?..... But I didn't say those things. What I did say, I think was sorely lacking. I made her repeat herself, because I was sure that I heard wrong. Then I said they're really nice people with the 2 sweetest little kids. Her response, "Well, I'm racist." She said it like she was, well, not proud, but not ashamed at all either. It was matter of fact with no comprehension of how completely evil and ugly she was now. She gave it the same intonation as saying "Well, I have brown hair." I told her that she need to let go of that shit and I walked off.

We are there at Pride, celebrating what the Black and Latino queens did for us in 1969 and she had the gall to spout that shit. Obviously that dyke is too ignorant to know her history. Too ignorant to be considered a valuable human being. She didn't belong at Pride, she did not deserve to be at Pride. She got the hell out of my neighborhood, which now makes me happy. And if she is indeed here illegally, she needs to fuck off out of my country. Does anyone have the number to immigration?

I'm still here

Contrary to appearances, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. In trying times you'd think that one would blog more, not me. Agh, I guess I thought that too much internal shit would make for a boring blog, yet that's all I could muster. So this might be a boring blog. Ha.

The update: Brinks sucks, never buy their service. If you do have it, cancel as soon as your contract is up. Be aware of the "evergreen" clause, where if you don't cancel within a set amount of time, in writing, your contract is automatically renewed for another 3 year stint.

As you may already know or have guessed, I had another break-in at my house last October. Again, I was there... all snug in my bed and awoke to a sound that no one ever wants to hear.

I got steel doors with steel frames after the first break-in. And I got Brinks. I naively began to feel safe after almost 2 years to the day, I let my guard down. My ambivalence was answered by a rock through my front window just before 6 a.m. Yes, of course I had my alarm on......


















The rock landed directly under the "Glass break sensor". The alarm didn't go off. A couple of days later when the technician came to check out the system... he said it worked fine. The test he preformed was completely ridiculous and absolutely removed from reality. There was no way Brinks could convince me that their system would protect me... yet they couldn't care less and were not empathetic to the point of being surly.



I got nowhere with Brinks. I reported them to the attorney general. And even though in the end "they" decided to let me out of the contract without penalty, their representative went out of her way to insult me. "I have a concern that you don't understand the functionality of our system," was what she left on my answering machine. Once I got her on the phone, she started saying something like ...."especially considering what happened with your friend.." I had no idea what or who she was talking about. After a little back and forth.... I realized that she was talking about the time the technician came to my house. My sister was with me. We had a few tense moments... He lied to us and wasted my time gabbing on the phone (I was being charged my the half hour)... so to say the least, my sister and I were not happy and told him so. It appears that he told Brinks a slightly different story. When I told the representative as such.....she got surly and said, "well, it really doesn't matter, since you are getting what you wanted." I thought, Bitch, YOU brought it up. Horrible customer service. Non-existent people skills.

Maybe I would have stayed with them had the alarm gone off and the crook still made off with my belongings. At least the system would have done it's job. Or if Brinks had shown one iota of compassion; offering in the very least a free month of service, that would have meant something. Instead I got steady indifference and accusations. They wanted me to prove that I actually had a break in. They wondered if I had my alarm on. I know I did, since it went off once I opened the door to let the police in.

Here is my security system now.... and yes she does bite!!!!

Shattered

Gingerly I reach for another shard of glass. I move in slow motion. Though it is still morning, I am drained. Carefully one piece then another piece. I don't want to get cut. Yet if I did, I don't think I would feel it. It's not my fault, but I feel as if this is my penance. I reach for a large jagged piece, reach for a small piece that is too large for the vacuum. Betrayed, it's not my house anymore, it's theirs. The walls are now made of balsa wood. The walls will crumble with the wind. Every noise an invasion. Every creak a call to violence. The shards never end, I feel a small prick on the bottom of my foot, one that I will feel for hours, a day or more afterwards.

Safe is no longer in my vocabulary.

"Going To A Town...."

This Monday night I went to a Tigers game. I think they lost. It was a work sponsored outing and I went for the free food with no intention of watching the whole game. Getting down there was easy enough, I've done it before from time to time. But once you get near Comerica Park, it gets kind of crazy. I think I pissed off a traffic cop. He didn't give me ticket so it's all good. I parked a couple blocks away which cost $15 (yikes!). On my way to the park, I walked past the Arlington Midwest: the human cost of war exhibit in Grand Circus Park. It was hosted by Detroit Area Peace with Justice Network. I received an email about it earlier in the week, but forgot about it. I probably wouldn't have made a special trip downtown to just to see it, but I thought it was cool that they were doing it. I often get emails about events downtown, but I rarely go. I am just a part of a larger group of people who go downtown every now and then, and then get the hell out.

There are a few things that I go downtown for; concerts, events.... or just to meet friends. But I wouldn't say that I do it regularly. I guess I kind of have suburbanites' guilt. I know Detroit is falling (has fallen) apart, but do nothing to help it. When I go out of town and people ask me where I am from, I usually will say "Detroit Area." It's a lie to say that you are from Detroit and you actually live in, say, Mount Clemens. Such a person is nowhere near the city. Perhaps they make the trek and spend all their time there, but does that count? There are times when I get tired of trying to explain that for me "Detroit Area" is in fact 6 blocks from the city, exasperated, I just say Detroit.

I wish that I did live in or near a vibrant live city. I have visited a few. On one of my first visits to Chicago, I was amazed that on a cold November night the streets were filled with people. I tried to imagine Detroit as one of those places I visited, only this Monday night did I have the slightest glimmer of hope that it could be a reality. While standing on the third floor of Comerica Park facing the Fox and Fillmore theaters, I saw a bright and busy town that I had witnessed in New York, St. Louis, Chicago and San Francisco. I had the urge to leave the ballpark and meet friends for drinks.... but my friends weren't down there as far as I knew. Maybe some were at the Belmont in Hamtramck or Smalls.

I find it sad that I don't know more about Detroit given my close proximity to it. Growing up it was something to be feared. I was brought up to believe that Detroit was just a place to visit, but not a place to live. Both my parents grew up in Detroit and after they had a couple of kids, they moved to the suburbs. As a kid, my mother, would take us downtown to the DIA or the Science Center. On one of these trips we went to McDonalds.... I think it was right on Woodward.... and we were hit up for money by a homeless person inside the restaurant. My mother recoiled at his question and seemed frozen until he went on to the next table.

Nowadays I am able to go downtown without the same fear of the past, yet I can't get out of the mind set that it's not a place to live. Perhaps if less people felt like me Detroit could become a popular destination. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking. There are certain select areas of the city that have been revived as of late, but it's going to take much more than that I figure. There are condos and lofts being built. I have thought of what it would be like to live in one, they are very nice. But there are a few things that don't make it a realistic scenario for me. I think to get me to move downtown it would have to be economically beneficial, but those condos and lofts are in the same price range as those in any suburb.... what's the incentive to leave? There is no decent mass transit. I think that a viable city needs one. Someone told me a story once of catching a cab in Detroit (now that fact was not even the point of the story).... and I swear that that story is a lie. There are limited resources for decent food; groceries. (Just read this article to see what I mean. http://www.metrotimes.com/editorial/story.asp?id=11830). It would be much harder to live there than in the suburbs without enough benefits.

I thought of all these things on my drive home from Comerica Park. I missed my turn a couple of times and ended up taking Grand River all the way to Wyoming then to 8 mile. Gone were the bright lights and the promise that I saw in the heart of downtown. I wondered about the people who did live there who were walking the streets that night. Some seemed to have a destination and it was just another days' routine and some were hanging out perhaps without direction at all. I don't know whether their life there is good, bad or indifferent. And I guess I will never know.......... I will never know how it is to live on the other side of 8 mile.

Photo of the Arlington Midwest Exhibit in Detroit; Copyright 2006/2007 Patricia Lay-Dorsey.

I am (not) a Drama Queen

I was going to name this one "Save the drama for your mama" but when looking up that phrase on the net I noticed that it's really over used. I understand what people mean when they say this phrase, but I just don't get why you would want to save the drama for anyone. Okay, I will quit being miss literal now.

Right now in my life I would say that I am relatively drama free. It's nice, it's great. I was sitting outside my favorite coffee shop Sunday and noticed the people around me and their drama. Well, there weren't that many people near me, but both had drama going on. A woman was talking to her friend about her inconsiderate boyfriend. A young man was on the phone trying to stop his drama by saying he had to go and study. (Which appeared to be the truth as he headed into the coffee shop with a loaded down book bag on his back). I just sat there pretending to read and soaked it all in. I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I couldn't read with all the talking around me.

So, it's strange, that in my somewhat drama-less life that I should seek it out in the form of my television entertainment and worst possible show(s) on TV at that. I am talking about soap operas.... yeah, I watch them sometimes. I watched a couple of shows when I was in grade school. I don't remember who had them on..... but being the second youngest out of six.... I didn't get to decide what was on the TV. When I got older and had fewer siblings around to preempt my viewing, I would search out shows that had gay story lines. I didn't even realize why I was doing it, why I was so interested then. The first I remember was on Showtime (not a soap opera, but the first show of it's kind). It was called Brothers and I did an article on it for my journalism class my junior year. It was about 3 brothers. A construction worker, an ex-football player/restaurant owner and the gay one. I forgot what he did for a living, but does it really matter? The pilot episode consisted of the youngest brother leaving his bride at the alter because he finally comes out of the closet. I don't remember a lot about this show, but I do remember that the gay brother had a flamboyant friend. It was Will and Grace without Grace and done years before. It wasn't the best show, but hey what else did I have to compare it to? Soap? I couldn't find a picture of the show, but here is one of the actor who played the "Jack" like flamboyant character (see above left).

Fast forward years..... I would catch this show and that one on prime time; watch them, usually tape them. I have THE ellen tapes somewhere. but it seemed that one of the last genres to tackle this subject was the soap opera. So in my usual fashion I would seek them out and tape them. The story lines were usually short lived and the guy (usually it was a guy) would never have a partner. One of the first was on One Life to Live around 1994. The picture is of a teen named Kevin who didn't stay long on the show after he came out.

Next, on All My Children, a major character came out. Not just any character but the daughter of Miss Kane herself, Bianca. (Yes, I know I sound like a total soap addict right now). The story line was very long and drawn out... done very well for a soap opera, though I could have done without the character getting raped. She came out to her mom, the whole town and even had love interest(s). This was progress.

Fast forward to the present. Yeah, I'm skipping a bunch of stuff, but I haven't even gotten the reason that I am writing this and it has already gone on too long. In my travels on the internet, I found that there were a couple of soaps on now that have new gay story lines. With the help of You Tube I was able to catch up. Both center on young men. Just when I had sworn off the soaps... here I was sucked back in. I stopped watching AMC because Bianca moved to Paris.

First, the Americans. "As the World Turns'," Luke Snyder is a teen/young adult who comes out after he can no longer deny the fact that he is in love with his best friend. Tells the friend he's gay, friend freaks out and further freaks out when someone slips and tells him Luke is in love with him. The friendship does not survive. Luke then meets Noah. Noah knows Luke is gay.... and doesn't have a problem with it, it seems. Noah starts to date Maddie; a mutual friend. Then there's the little problem of Noah kissing Luke...... oh no, but Noah is straight. Yeah, right.

Then on to something completely different.... No actually, it's not different, the Brits give a story line that is much the same on Hollyoaks. (God, I love You tube!). It's like As the World Turns, but further along. The "straight" guy, Craig, is having an affair with John Paul behind his girlfriends back. He insists that he's not gay, he only feels this way about JP.

Hollyoaks shares a few similarities with the story on ATWT. Both gay guys were dating girls when they came out, both fell in love with their best friend and were bashed by them. And now both are entangled with guys who won't admit they are gay and have girlfriends. The acting on Hollyoaks is very good while on ATWT it's okay. Both have extreme situations and emotions that is standard in any soap opera. But these aspects fit in well with the coming out story, but not so much with other stories. More often than not coming out is a time of high drama and emotions. When I compared these two stories to my own life, I could see similarities. At 21, I was going through similar drama..... that time of my life would make a great story for a soap! And coming out, no matter what the age of the person in question, is just like teenage angst bullshit. You didn't go through these things when you were 15..... so you are going through them now. I was 21 going on 15. I look back and am amazed at some of the things I did.