Tomorrow a third memorial will be performed for my Dad and I am not going. I mean no disrespect to him. I just wish to mourn alone. I wish to mourn with my siblings. For a man who was so sweet and gentle, I am saddened by the upheaval that occurred after his passing. Yet, I don't know how to fix it. I don't think I can fix it.
The first memorial was at my house and we lit a candle for him. I have that candle now on a table with some other items of his. Things that were special to him; Dogbert, Linus, a replica antique radio, a slide ruler, a couple of pictures of him. I will light the candle on August 1st, the anniversary of his leaving us. I don't think he wanted to leave, but his body could not hold up to all the damage that was done. I wonder what he was thinking about at the end. It was hard to tell. He was fighting the effects of sepsis and would talk about flying. It almost seemed like he was dreaming and could not distinguish that from reality. I guess that could be an okay way to go. In a dream like state..... as long as he didn't feel the pain that he must have had in his body.
When it became a reality that he could not stay, we said our goodbyes. He was unresponsive at that point and on a respirator. I think back on that and I believe that what I said was sorely lacking. I didn't know how to put into words what I felt and I stumbled. Could he really hear me at that point? I almost hope that he didn't. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it could have had more meaning. Perhaps I was in denial. Perhaps deep down I believed he wasn't there anymore. I remember holding the phone up to his ear so my sister could talk to him. I am sure what she said was beautiful; they had a special bond. I didn't listen in, that would have been rude.
Before he was put on the respirator, in a moment of lucidity, he asked me in a weak voice to rub his head. I hope it soothed him and brought him comfort. I like to remember that more than what I said.
Papa, can you hear me? I love you, miss you. I cherish you for your quiet caring and your silly humor. Without you, my life would have been lacking. I will see you again and give you a big hug.
If you are interested, you can go to my page on myspace and on my only blog post there, click on the link to the video I made of my Dad. There is a more in depth description of the video on the blog. I apologize for the quality of the video. It wasn't great to begin with, but after I uploaded it, the quality was worse.
www.myspace.com/phaedra169
2 comments:
It doesn't matter so much what you said or didn't say, Courtney. It's how you lived, how you treated him, what you were to each other, and that was 30+ years in the making. He knew your heart, that was obvious. Those last few minutes are a fleck of a drop in the bucket and the bucket was full to overflowing.
For what it's worth, I think you've handled all that happened and is happening with grace, gentleness, and integrity, and I am so so glad to see you doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. It's the most respectful thing you can do.
Thanks, Maria for the kind words. You always know just what to say.
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